Since it is now 12:30 a.m. it is officially the last day of my student teaching. I have spent the past two days assessing my students individually and have really enjoyed having a few minutes to enjoy each of them without the distraction of 15 other children competing for my attention. Each one of them has a unique personality and I love them all for different reasons. Some of them have personalities that scream “leader”. Some are sweet and quiet while others are loud and active. I giggled at the way some of them squirmed around as they read to me. I caught myself before I told them to sit down and be still. It was if God was saying, “let them be who they are and observe the way they learn.”
I know that I should be ecstatic at the thought of graduating but to be honest I am not. I have had a goal before me for the past three years. I knew that at the end of each semester I would be registering for different classes but they would still be classes all the same. I thrive when I have direction. I love to have a clearly planned path to follow. When I vacation I spend weeks researching and planning an itinerary. I know it sounds crazy to most people but my vacation lasts much longer than most people’s do. I get to plan and dream for weeks prior to even packing the first thing! I know the things I want to do while I am there and rarely come home to discover there was something I wanted to do while I was at my vacation destination that I missed out on. That is just the way I roll. I am a list making, over thinking, schedule oriented individual.
I am having panic attacks because suddenly I feel that I am drifting with no sense of direction. I am in one of the hallways of life. The hallway is filled with many doors. Big doors, little doors, elaborate doors, plain doors. Some doors have signs hanging outside them but I cannot tell if they will open if I try them. There are other doors that seem to be cracked just a little but there is not enough light coming out to tell if that is a hopeful place to go. So I stand here in the hallway, waiting. I am trying to wait patiently without stomping in frustration. I am seeking direction from my Heavenly Father and trusting that He has a plan that is infinitely greater than I can imagine. I follow a blog of a lady that is going through much more serious issues than I face but I agree with her when she says, “It’s Hell in the Hallways!”