Lord, I am blue tonight. I can’t explain it to my Precious J because I really don’t understand it myself. It is strange that after having dealt with this condition for years the first question that people ask when you say you are depressed is, “What are you depressed about?” I have even caught myself saying the same thing to others when they have shared their depression with me. I suppose it is human nature to want to understand and help fix the problems of those we love.
Of all the things I could have inherited from my mother and my paternal grandmother depression and panic attacks would not have been my choice. But I didn’t get to choose, You did. I know that You love me and want the very best for me. Maybe the depression is a way to draw me close to You. When I am depressed I feel like a child longing to crawl into the arms of my parent to be comforted and assured that they will keep me safe from the storms raging outside my window. Only now the storms are trapped inside me and I find myself coming to You to free me from their torment. Unlike human parents (or husbands) You are always there. You are never asleep; never too tired to hear the fears of my heart. Rational or irrational You take me into Your loving arms and hold me as long as I will allow You. Just as I never tire of holding my Sweet G, or having a sweet moment with my T, You never tire of holding me. I have tried over the years to memorize each little detail of my boy’s faces– like the fact that T has three moles on his left cheek that form a triangle and G has a sprinkling of freckles all over his nose and cheeks. But You don’t need to try to memorize my features or my characteristics because You were the one that created me. You love and adore me more than I love my boys. You dance over me as I sleep. Just as I find myself waiting patiently for T to come to me for a moment of closeness You are always there waiting for me.
You are the amazing, beautiful creator, my defender, Emmanuel, faithful, forgiving, and gracious Healer, intimate Father, Jesus, the King, who is the loving, loyal Lord and Master, mender of my soul, near and omnipotent, patient, Prince of Peace, quiet, righteous Savior, who is tender and trustworthy, unmatchable and unchangeable, a victorious warrior, You are the eXalted Yahweh who is zealous in His pursuit of me. Thank you for loving me and letting me crawl into your lap tonight Abba Father, my Daddy.