Spiraling

This past week brought experiences into my life that I could never imagined I would ever have to face; an unspeakable allegation against someone I love dearly, the quick and subtle attack of another loved one who disagreed with something I said in love, and the deafening silence that comes when something taboo bursts into your life unannounced.
I have felt stunned, confused, brokenhearted, angry, ashamed, hurt, betrayed, forgotten and alone. There is an overwhelming desire building in me to begin running until the pain goes away, but there is no place I can go that the pain does not follow me. It is always there lurking in the shadows of the shame that surrounds me waiting for a chance to wrap its chilly fingers around my heart; squeezing until all life has been crushed in it’s icy grip.

Of all things Thanksgiving is this week. This time of year has been the hard for me for the last 18 years and honestly I don’t feel very thankful at this very moment. Yes, I know I do have lots of things to be thankful for but right now it is hard to see through the thickness of the fog engulfing me. The situation has me on a terrifying emotional roller coaster. It is as if life is moving by at lightning speed yet slowly creeping along at the same time. I have lost all sense of time and space. I feel that I am spiraling out of control and fear the crash that will put a stop to my dissent.

The good thing is that I am moving through emotions quickly and I am bound to move on to a less painful one as soon as I can begin to dig my way out of this pit of depression holding me captive.

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