I wrote this post a few weeks ago except for the last few lines. I found it tonight as I was checking over my blog for unfinished posts and felt that it needed to be published. I hope it brings you enjoyment and a deeper understanding of parenting a special needs child.
This past week I faced a very difficult situation–my Sweet G had tendon lengthening surgery. I had peace through the entire experience. I can’t explain it because I really don’t understand it myself. I first began to experience this kind of peace on the day that I found out I was going to be G’s mom. I remember vividly the moment it first happen. I was standing in the parking lot of a restaurant dressed as Scribbles the Clown. It was a cool evening in March. I stood talking to my husband J, our son T, and B the precious woman who picked us to be the family of our Sweet G.
G was born prematurely and B was filling us in on all that had happened since his birth. She told us that he had been born with cocaine in his blood. His birth mother had not received prenatal care and was unsure of exactly how far along in her pregnancy she had been. When she started to tell me about his story I knew that this baby would have problems although all the specialists said the chances were good that everything would be okay. I wasn’t sure what issues the baby would face but I remember thinking, ” I don’t know if this is something I can do.” Almost immediately I was reminded that this child was a miracle that we had spent years praying for. I also knew without a doubt that his birth was orchestrated by God, down to the last detail. Standing there in that parking lot God said, “This is the gift you have prayed for. I am offering him to you. The question is will you trust me and accept my gift?”
“Who am I to question the gift God is offering me? How do I say that isn’t the gift I want and that It isn’t good enough?” These thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks and I felt ashamed that I would consider throwing God’s gift back in His face. I told myself that all God’s gifts are good and that if this is the gift He offered then I would trust him. I didn’t share any of these things with anyone else. I just talked to God and pondered them in my heart, kind of like I imagine Mary the mother of Jesus did when she thought of his future.
I was immediately filled with peace that comes only from God. That peace has stayed with me as we faced acid reflux testing, eye surgeries, developmental delays, the diagnosis of cerebral palsy, the two years we waited for G to take steps with the assistance of a walker, almost 8 years of specialists (too many to remember at times), 7 years of therapy, and years of daily stretching. Through all of it there was always the unknown looming before us. Will he ever walk unassisted or at all for that matter? Will today be the day he starts to have seizures? What does the future hold for this precious child God entrusted us to raise? Through it all there has been peace.
Do I get discouraged, tired, and frustrated–of course I do. I don’t, however, lay awake at night worrying about whether G will be independent. God is constantly reminding me that He has this under control. All he wants me to do is stand right where He put me trusting Him to give me strength to withstand whatever He chooses for G. That is all he wants from any of His children–trust and obedience. So if you ever wondered how a parent of a special needs child manages life I can tell you that we do it like everyone else-one day at a time. Disability is a scary, terrible thing to most people looking in but the view from where I stand is amazingly beautiful, magical, and rewarding unlike anything you can imagine.