Thirty-four Smooshed

A few years ago I reached the magic age in a woman’s life when her doctor sends her to the Breast Center. If you keep the right mindset the experience can be quite comical. Breast exams and mammograms are very important and I do encourage women to have their yearly exams. I just want you to know that it really isn’t that bad if you keep an open mind.

February is the month for my boobs to get their yearly glamour shots. In fact, I had my appointment today. The breast center that I used moved recently into a new building and it is beautiful and impressive.

I have a wonderful family doctor that must really think a lot of me because last year he started ordering me an extra treat to go along with my photo session. Before they escorted me to the photo studio I am given a thorough massage in another room. Too bad it’s not a full body massage, if you know what I mean. They say that they can find lumps sooner during the “Clinical Breast Exam” than they can with the mammogram. If your doctor hasn’t ordered you to have a clinical breast exam you need to ask him to. I really think it helps. It’s kinda like stretching before you exercise, it just gets everything all loosened up.

After my fifteen minute massage (given by a woman I only met last year) I am told to put my robe on over the beauteous cape they provided me with so we can head to the torture chamber. Of course that’s not what the call it but I did notice they have added a guard since last year. She sits in the back lobby under the pretense that she is there to serve you snacks. I wasn’t so sure about those snacks and I kept a good eye on Gerty the guard just in case I decided to make a break for it.

After a few minutes of waiting another stranger comes and takes me to the chamber. She has the torture device ready and waiting for its next victim patient. Before I knew what was happening I was slammed up against that cold metal machine and had it in a bear hug. I was tugged and twisted into positions I never imagined. “Face a little to the left, raise your left arm as high as you can, now tilt your head back and twist your neck around and look at the wall behind you.” “Okay, now you are going to feel a little pressure,” she says as she stepped on a hydraulic pedal. If that wasn’t tight enough she gives a couple of twists to another knob to crank it down a little more.

You know, the more I think about it the more I believe there is more to boob sagging and age. Tatas stop being so perky around the age of forty, exactly the same year you have your first mammogram!

Update: After writing this post and prior to publishing it I received the results of my mammogram. There was a change since last year so they wanted me to come back and have a diagnostic mammogram (even more fun than a normal one). I had it done this morning, the radiologists read them before they let me leave, and everything is fine.

I originally wrote this because a fellow blogger wrote about her mammogram experience and I thought it made for a funny story. I didn’t know if I would publish this story or keep it for myself but after my return visit I decided my experience might remind someone how important yearly mammograms are. I am blessed that everything is fine. There were other women that didn’t get to leave with the same results as mine.


One thought on “Thirty-four Smooshed

  1. jonesingafter40

    Glamour shots!! HA! I loved your take on the experience. I have a friend who didn’t get good results but she wouldn’t have gotten results at all if she hadn’t had the mammogram. It has given her a chance.


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