Category Archives: Funny

Fifty Cents a Day

Tonight as we drove to my parents house we were discussing many controversial topics in our society but had come around to discussing adoption and how so many people will take in many animals and worry and fret over the pet population without giving a second thought to the many children in need of adoption. As we arrive at my parents house and are getting out of the car Sweet G (who is adopted and is very aware of that fact) pipes up from the backseat, “Now I just don’t believe in adoption but I’d give fifty cents a day so a hungry child could have food to eat.” I think he was afraid we were in negotiations on whether we wanted to add to our family again. LOL He wants to make sure the kids get fed as long as they aren’t sharing his mom and dad. I’m afraid he felt like his place as the baby in the family might be in jeopardy.

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Silent Movies

Sweet G has a new favorite activity. It all started a couple of days ago when someone, who isn’t me, let him watch the beginning of an episode of the World’s Dumbest Criminals. After a short viewing and several curse words it was decided that the show might not be appropriate. I, however, did not witness this event and I was coerced into watching said episode under the guise, “Daddy watched it with me yesterday.”

After a short viewing and several curse words Mommy decided that  this show is definitely not appropriate. I told G that it makes Jesus sad when we hear things that are not nice. The language was the only offensive part and Sweet G wanted to watch it so badly that I told him he could watch it if he muted the sound. I did this thinking he would not enjoy watching anything without sound. Once again he surprised me. He watched it all afternoon.

Today he started asking if he could watch stand up comedy on his iPod if he watched it without sound. I assured G that stand up comedy is not funny without sound but I could not convince him. I figured he would try it and come to the conclusion that Mommy is right. Wrong! He watched it all afternoon “buetid” (muted in G talk). I mean really, how much fun can it be to watch a person stand on stage not hearing a word they say?

Later in the afternoon G discovered the closed captioning button on some of the videos he was watching. “Look Momma, what is my iPod doing? I like watching it like this! It makes Jesus happy when we watch stand up comedy ‘buetid’.”

“That isn’t exactly what I said, G. I said it makes him sad when we watch things that are bad. It also makes Him sad when we read the closed captioning of bad shows. Do not turn the closed captioning back on. It is wrong to hear bad things and it is wrong to read bad things.”

He can’t read well enough to read everything they were saying as fast as it appeared on the screen but you never can tell with that boy. I just wonder, what will he come up with next?

Our Smokie Mountain Adventure: Part 1

The day was filled with excitement because my family and I were leaving after school to go on a weekend trip with a few of my classmates from high school. We had rented a huge house and were going to spend the next three days catching up with each other. It had been snowing here most of the day so school was released early. We hurriedly finished packing and finally hit the snow covered roads headed for the mountains three hours away.  A few of my classmates had already arrived at the cabin and reported no problems on the roads, so we kept our focus on getting there as quickly and safely as possible.

The roads began looking worse the farther from home we got. It was late afternoon and we felt sure that if we made it by dark we would be okay. My son and his girlfriend we’re following us in his car. It is his first real experience on the interstate and his first time driving in snow. Needless to say, I was a nervous wreck. About half way into our trip I started to feel sorta queasy. I assume that it is nerves and car sickness and manage to keep my nausea at bay until we stop for a bathroom break. As we are about to pull back out into the roadway a sudden surge of nausea hits and I lose both my battle and lunch in the blink of an eye. It is now that I start to question whether I could possibly be suffering from more than car sickness and nerves but we have come to far to turn back now. We are closer to the cabin than we are to home and it is beginning to get dark.

Back on the highway we drive slowly making our way to our destination. We turn off the main road onto a very narrow country road filled with hills and curves.. Cars are sliding off the roadway. So far we are fine and haven’t had any trouble. We were within a couple of miles of our destination. This is the point that my “friends” decide to tell us that we will not be able to get to the house. The drive is icy and dangerous. They tell us to stop at a convenience store about a mile from the cabin.

I have managed to keep from throwing up since our last stop but as the gravity of our current situation sinks in, my nausea comes back with a vengeance. My husband buys me some zip lock baggies and I begin to fill them up. One mile separates us from a nice cozy cabin filled with old friends. We can’t walk the rest of the way in the dark pushing our disabled son in his wheelchair. What are we going to do?

To be continued. . .

My Little Man

Today Sweet G had therapy. We were asked to come early so he could be seen by the equipment man. I sometimes forget how special G really is and just how many people work to see him succeed but I was reminded of those things today.

It is time for a new walker since G is on the last notch of his current walker. The ability to walk with the aide of a walker is a huge accomplishment for G and will give him a little independence but there is nothing little about that boy. He has a huge heart, an enormous appetite for life, and a personality and strength that are immeasurable. Okay is not good enough for Sweet G. That is not only my opinion but it is the opinion of anyone who has the gift of being introduced to G. I see it on the faces of strangers as they overhear his comments, in the tears of choir members as he lifts his hands in worship.

Today he sat and chatted with his buddy Brian the equipment salesman like a little man. They discussed Ultimate Fighting and G burst into uncontrollable laughter when Brian said, “I love UFC but I can’t watch it. My wife won’t let me.” Without missing a beat and with absolute abandon G replied, “Even I can watch Ultimate Fighting.” Brian sat patiently talking to G enjoying the conversation as much as G until another child required his attention. I know that Brian loves G (other kids too) because besides ordering a walker for G he is also ordering G some hemi-walkers to try. He most likely won’t be able to get paid for both and will let the profit from one cover the loss on the other. This is not uncommon. Like many others who invest in G, Brian wants to see G reach his highest potential even if it requires self sacrifice.

While sitting in the lobby waiting for his therapy to begin G announces that he is going to hang out with Mr. Dave until Miss Ami is ready. I told him that he couldn’t go bother Mr. Dave because he was working. About that time the receptionist walks in and says, “Hey, what’s up dude?” G says, “Well, I really want to go hang out with Mr. Dave.” I again remind him that Mr. Dave is working. A minute later the receptionist sticks her head back in the door and says, “Mr. Dave says come on back.” That was all he needed to hear and immediately rolls himself to Mr. Dave’s office with speed and ease he doesn’t often display. So, for twenty minutes he sits in the office having man time with his buddy Mr. Dave watching clips on the Internet.

G lovingly calls his physical therapist the mean one or the hard one. She definitely has the hardest job of all his therapists. He gives her the most resistance but she doesn’t seem to notice. She’s been with him longer than any other therapist and she is tough when she needs to be because she loves him. During therapy we are discussing G’s progress and the possibility for his future. Miss Ami looked at me and said, “I want him to accomplish as much as he possibly can. I want to see him walk across the stage to graduate. I really believe he can do it.”

What a blessing God gave our family when he sent Sweet G. Little did we know how that three pound bundle of joy was going to transform our lives and the lives of so many others. I sit in amazement as I see how God uses that little boy.

Fruit Ninja on the Prairie

I have been reading the Laura Ingles Wilder series of books to Sweet G. His love of all things electronic hinders his ability to comprehend a life without modern inventions. I continue trying to paint a clear picture of pioneer America for him but frankly I don’t know if I will ever be successful. The very basic simple life pioneers lived is very foreign to someone living in the 21st century. It is hard to imagine life without electricity, phones (landlines and cells), stores within walking distance, or better yet Internet shopping and Fed Ex!

As I read to a child I often stop and ask questions to teach them good reading strategies. Last week we were reading the chapter Scream in the Night from Little House on the Prairie. The story was set in the log home of the Ingles family in the middle of the night. Everyone was suddenly awakened by a terrifying scream piercing the night air. Since the family was living in Indian country where there had been unrest at times they feared being attacked. The immediate thoughts of the parents was that their neighbors two miles away were being attacked or were in terrible trouble. Pa dressed and took his gun to go and find out what was happening. Ma told the girls to go to sleep and she got into bed but didn’t go back to sleep but lay there listening.

This is where I stopped reading and asked, “G, why do you think Ma went back to bed but didn’t go back to sleep?”

He thought for a second before saying, “Maybe she was watching a movie.”

“No, remember G they didn’t have electricity or a television. She wasn’t watching a movie.”

He thought some more and with a huge grin on his face he said, “Maybe she was playing a game.”

“Now, G, who would play games in the middle of the night? Ma was not playing a game”, I said.

“Well you play games in the middle of the night. Maybe Ma was playing Fruit Ninja like you do.”

I have to say that although he was totally off base in his answer, his reasoning behind it was great! He simply related his answer to what he already knows. He lives in a world where Ma plays games in the middle of the night and takes naps in the middle of the day. Gadgets and gizmos fill his world until it is busting at the seams and he just can’t quiet imagine a life without those things. Needless to say we still have some serious work before we have history mastered. So, I guess I will just keep trying to convince my funny little boy there was once a life without stand-up comedians, cable television, and iPad games for Moms to play in the middle of the night. ; )

The Haircut

Last night I gave my husband a haircut. He likes to keep his hair pretty short and typically asks me to cut it several times before we are able to get around to cutting it. We had just finished a few projects around the house and since I had the vacuum hose out I decided to offer to cut his hair. He quickly took me up on the offer. He went into to wash his hair before I cut it in order to get rid of a bad case hat hair caused from wearing a baseball cap all day.

I wanted to give him the total salon experience so I followed him into the bathroom and asked if I could help him wash his hair. He knelt in the floor and held his head over the bathtub as I used the sprayer to wet and wash his hair. I was so happy to be able to give him a haircut without him having to ask for weeks until I found time to cut it.

We went into the living room where a wooden chair and the clippers were waiting. I started cutting with a shorter guard than I typically use because he likes his hair shorter than I like it. I was going for all the great wife bonus points. The clippers glided smoothly across his head as I cut the sides and the back. I was going for a high and tight like the haircuts he got when we were first married and he was in the reserves and ROTC.

A smile crept across my face as I cut. I knew that this act of kindness as simple as it was meant so much to my precious husband. After finishing up the back and sides it was time to change guards to do the top. I looked into the case and quickly spotted the guard marked 3 and snapped it onto the clippers. With one smooth stroke I ran the clippers across the top of his head. Something didn’t look right. I let out an audible gasp as I quickly jerked the clippers around and saw that the guard I had used did have a 3 on it but was followed by mm. In the center of the guard was the number 1. I had used the next to smallest guard on the top of his head. It was shorter on top than it was on the sides.

My heart sunk! I felt panic and humiliation rushing in on me like a flood. Joey immediately began to comfort me. He said, “You finally cut it the way I like it. It really feels great already. I am happy so don’t be upset.”

I almost cried but his continual praise and encouragement helped me overcome the tragedy and when I looked into his eyes I could only laugh and apologize. I have learned over the years that mishaps turn out to be the best memories so I am learning to see the humor in things as they happen instead of beating myself up over my mistakes.

I want you to understand that my laughter was not a sign that I didn’t care about what I had just done to my sweet husband. I still feel bad about it. I explained to him that I laughed because I could cut one of his ears off accidentally and he would say, “I am so glad you did that. I have always wanted to have only one ear. I really think it looks good, don’t you?”

He really would, he’s just that sweet. I know, it’s sickening how he always tries to protect me but I truly am thankful. I love that man more every second that I live.

I thought it was strange that our oldest son didn’t acknowledge his dad’s extreme haircut when he came home. I figured that he had and that Joey was just telling me he didn’t to save my feelings. This afternoon I asked T if he noticed his dad’s hair and he smiled a sweet smile and said, “I was told not to say anything, he sent me a text last night while I was at work telling me what happened and warning me to keep silent.”

I really did marry prince charming. He is my best friend, my biggest fan, and my most devoted defender. He did manage to curb any remarks from Trey but even he can’t silence Sweet G. I kept hearing this little voice ringing through the house, “Daddy, you’re bald. You’ve got a bald head.” It was always followed by whispers and sushes. Well, it may be short but at least it will grow back. I sure am sorry honey.

Runts, Nipples, and Nourishment for Babies

Tonight I started reading Charlotte’s Web to Sweet G. It is one of the classics I feel needs to be included in every child’s education. I wasn’t sure how attentive G would be since it is the longest book I have ever read to him added to the fact he really had his heart set on watching tv instead of reading anything.

As I started reading he was sulking. I read using lots of expression and try to capture the spirit of the characters by creating a voice I use for each individual in the book. I came to the line where Fern is pleading for the newborn pig’s life and staying true to my typical style I raised my voice as I read. G was caught completely by surprise because he was so intent on not enjoying the book. He jumped and looked like he was about to cry as he said, “Why did you scream, Momma?”

“I raised my voice because that is what Fern did. She is upset that her Father is going to kill the piglet and I read it like I think she would have said it.”

I now have his full attention. He begins to ask questions about the characters and is concerned and slightly amused that Fern’s 10 year old brother has a gun (air rifle). We continue the story and I get to the part when Mrs. Arable is fixing a bottle for the baby piglet. The story says she put a rubber nipple on the bottle filled with milk. As I read that part I hear little giggles erupting from beside me. G is very amused and snorts, “Huh, rubber nipples? Who ever heard of rubber nipples?”

I begin to explain about baby bottles and the reason they call the tops nipples. G is shocked by knowing where babies get there milk. I explain that some animals as well as human mommys feed there babies from their breasts. He is relieved to find out he and Trey were not breast fed as babies. When I tell him the milk he drinks comes from a cow he is a little disgusted.

We watched a video showing a cow being milked on YouTube so he could see for himself where milk comes from. Now I am unsure if he will eat his typical breakfast of cereal and milk. I personally don’t blame him if he doesn’t because frankly the whole cow thing seems kind of gross to me too! Who knows what tomorrow morning will bring and just FYI if you see Sweet G and he starts talking about nipples you know what he’s talking about and where it came from; complements of E.B. White.